Thought for the Day with the Rev Richard de Vere

At this time of year many of us have made our New Year's Resolutions, which invariably involve diets, exercise regimes and the like, to shed those extra Christmas pounds.

For those of you struggling to keep to yours, I have a heartwarming tale. Last year one of my parishioners, Jennifer Pratte-Smythe who runs the organic pie stall at the Grantleigh Farmers' Market, lost no fewer than 8 stones! She was spurred on in her remarkable weight-loss programme by her ambition to play Lady Macbeth in this year's Grantleigh Amateur Dramatic Society production. A lesson in dedication and self-denial that would put most of us to shame, I think you'll agree.

As chairman of the casting committee, it was however my solemn duty to inform her that despite her highly commendable efforts, she still closely resembles the back of the Grantleigh to Little Piddle shuttle bus. The part has therefore gone to Stacey Stott (34C-24-34) of Grantleigh Harestylz in the High Street.

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Mime Gentlemen Please

Last night we took advantage of the unseasonal weather and used our newly acquired mime skills to entertain the early evening crowds in the bars and restaurants. We had a great response from the public despite some of our larger members in their traditional tight costumes drawing a few ribald remarks from the more boisterous drinkers. Unfortunately the evening was brought to a premature halt by an unpleasant altercation in the Beard and Merkin.

This was the last mime night of the year as our teachers are hitting the road on tour round Britain with their Mime Bandits troupe, before appearing in panto in Great Yarmouth. But I hope to see all of you again in the spring.

This Charming Man

Since my last piece on 'Boiled Fish' I have received a number of mails, primarily from frustrated teenage boys asking how to get the girl of their dreams to say 'yes' to them. Of course, this is slightly outside the bounds of my normal professional activities but, although I have a beautiful wife now, I was a teenager once myself and I don't think it's too big a breach of business ethics to help a few of you guys to get laid.

The first thing you have to realise is that girls are different: note, I didn't say inferior, just different. They are not as decisive as men, their social interaction is based more on concensus and agreement. Use this to your advantage. Never ask a girl a question which requires her to make a decision, instead you should express your point of view or preference and she will naturally go along with it.

As Camus said 'Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question'. But don't worry, that's definitely the last mention of French philosophers. And never smile at a woman; make her feel she has displeased you and she will instinctively want to make amends. Good luck.

Thought for the Day with the Rev Richard de Vere

I read in the papers this morning of the further fall from grace of one of our most senior politicians, Mr. David Blunkett.

It seems to me that, rather than pouring scorn on this beleagered figure, we should be extending the hand of Christian fellowship. After all, don't we all face opprobrium of one kind or another at some point in our lives?

Not so long ago, I too tasted the bitter fruit of humiliation and the sharp sting of public recrimination. I was accused (wrongly of course) of misappropriation of church funds.

At such times, one discovers who one's real friends are, and I was fortunate to have the unwavering support of one of Grantleigh's most respected figures, Mr. George O'Knutt, the village bookmaker.

Not only did Mr. O'Knutt offer to replace the missing funds; he gave me extended credit for the duration of the National Hunt season!

Thought: Blessed are the bookmakers, for if the 3:15 comes in at Market Rasen, St. Cavendish's shall have a new roof after all!

Doctor in the House

At this time of year with the Christmas party season fast approaching, one of the most frequently asked questions in my surgery pertains to hangovers: what causes them?; and how can the symptoms be most effectively relieved?

A hangover, medically termed veisalgia, is the after-effect following the consumption of large amounts of one drug or another. In particular, it is most commonly associated with the consumption of alcoholic beverages. Symptoms include headache, dry throat and irritability.

My recommended method of mitigating the effects has been honed over several years.

• Firstly: Rehydrate. This is best achieved by drinking several pints of water, into which I squeeze a lemon & a few drops of witch-hazel.
• Secondly: Boost your blood-sugar. Have a hearty breakfast; I prefer bacon and eggs.
• Finally: Expunge the toxins that remain in the body. Any cardio-vascular exercise that creates perspiration would be an option. In the interests of time, however, I prefer to turn my bathroom towel rail to maximum, and then go for a slow satisfying dump.

Thought for the Day with the Rev Richard de Vere

Since I became Rector of this modest parish I, like the previous incumbent, have been fortunate enough to marry dozens of couples in the pretty chapel here in the grounds of the Manor.

I do try to give one or two words of advice to the happy couple as they embark on the long journey of marriage together, and I'm often asked, "What is the secret of a lasting, happy union?"

In my opinion, there are few things more likely to cement the bond of marriage than a really great pair of norks.

In fact, that was what initially attracted me to Audrey Forbes-Hamilton all those years ago. When I first saw her in that low-cut evening dress! My word! They were like a pair of bald-headed convicts fighting to get out of jail!

Another Day in Paradise

We the middle classes in this country could do so much more to ameliorate the suffering of the homeless on our streets today. Whilst the giving of money is always welcome, quite often a few words, a greeting, or even a conversation with a homeless person shows that we care, and are willing to stand shoulder to shoulder with them, and do something about their wretched situation.

Why only last night, whilst walking from my offices in the City, I had one such conversation. Having spotted a weather-weary individual, I stopped to ask his advice on whether full leather trim & a 4 speaker Bose stereo unit was really necessary on the BMW M3 I had just ordered.

I could tell that he appreciated my gesture by the torrent of expletives that he hurled my way, shortly followed by a half-full Big Mac carton and a can of White Lightning.

Child In Mime

This week's mime night was an opportunity for members to bring along their children: no sooner have they learnt to speak than they can be learning not too speak. For the occasion the evening had a humorous bent.

The star of the show was Terry Pulver who peeled a banana, threw away the skin, then, in a masterpiece of slapstick, slipped on it. The gusto with which the youngsters practised the pratfall must guarantee more than a few sore coccyges around town today.

Unfortunately with mime everything is imaginary except the pain.

Vermin: A Dirty Rat

I thought I'd let you know that, although I am not aware of it, I am at this moment no more than 10 feet away from a rat.

I have just had this confirmed by Dr. Frederick Schlongberger, Senior Professor of Verminology at Imperial College.