Boiled Fish

Thought for the Day with the Rev Richard de Vere

2006-01-06T09:47:00.000Z

At this time of year many of us have made our New Year's Resolutions, which invariably involve diets, exercise regimes and the like, to shed those extra Christmas pounds.

For those of you struggling to keep to yours, I have a heartwarming tale. Last year one of my parishioners, Jennifer Pratte-Smythe who runs the organic pie stall at the Grantleigh Farmers' Market, lost no fewer than 8 stones! She was spurred on in her remarkable weight-loss programme by her ambition to play Lady Macbeth in this year's Grantleigh Amateur Dramatic Society production. A lesson in dedication and self-denial that would put most of us to shame, I think you'll agree.

As chairman of the casting committee, it was however my solemn duty to inform her that despite her highly commendable efforts, she still closely resembles the back of the Grantleigh to Little Piddle shuttle bus. The part has therefore gone to Stacey Stott (34C-24-34) of Grantleigh Harestylz in the High Street.

2006-01-03T12:24:00.000Z

click to enlarge

Mime Gentlemen Please

2005-11-04T09:38:00.000Z

Last night we took advantage of the unseasonal weather and used our newly acquired mime skills to entertain the early evening crowds in the bars and restaurants. We had a great response from the public despite some of our larger members in their traditional tight costumes drawing a few ribald remarks from the more boisterous drinkers. Unfortunately the evening was brought to a premature halt by an unpleasant altercation in the Beard and Merkin.

This was the last mime night of the year as our teachers are hitting the road on tour round Britain with their Mime Bandits troupe, before appearing in panto in Great Yarmouth. But I hope to see all of you again in the spring.

This Charming Man

2005-11-03T12:16:00.000Z

Since my last piece on 'Boiled Fish' I have received a number of mails, primarily from frustrated teenage boys asking how to get the girl of their dreams to say 'yes' to them. Of course, this is slightly outside the bounds of my normal professional activities but, although I have a beautiful wife now, I was a teenager once myself and I don't think it's too big a breach of business ethics to help a few of you guys to get laid.

The first thing you have to realise is that girls are different: note, I didn't say inferior, just different. They are not as decisive as men, their social interaction is based more on concensus and agreement. Use this to your advantage. Never ask a girl a question which requires her to make a decision, instead you should express your point of view or preference and she will naturally go along with it.

As Camus said 'Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question'. But don't worry, that's definitely the last mention of French philosophers. And never smile at a woman; make her feel she has displeased you and she will instinctively want to make amends. Good luck.

Thought for the Day with the Rev Richard de Vere

2005-11-03T10:07:00.000Z

I read in the papers this morning of the further fall from grace of one of our most senior politicians, Mr. David Blunkett.

It seems to me that, rather than pouring scorn on this beleagered figure, we should be extending the hand of Christian fellowship. After all, don't we all face opprobrium of one kind or another at some point in our lives?

Not so long ago, I too tasted the bitter fruit of humiliation and the sharp sting of public recrimination. I was accused (wrongly of course) of misappropriation of church funds.

At such times, one discovers who one's real friends are, and I was fortunate to have the unwavering support of one of Grantleigh's most respected figures, Mr. George O'Knutt, the village bookmaker.

Not only did Mr. O'Knutt offer to replace the missing funds; he gave me extended credit for the duration of the National Hunt season!

Thought: Blessed are the bookmakers, for if the 3:15 comes in at Market Rasen, St. Cavendish's shall have a new roof after all!

Doctor in the House

2005-10-31T11:53:00.000Z

At this time of year with the Christmas party season fast approaching, one of the most frequently asked questions in my surgery pertains to hangovers: what causes them?; and how can the symptoms be most effectively relieved?

A hangover, medically termed veisalgia, is the after-effect following the consumption of large amounts of one drug or another. In particular, it is most commonly associated with the consumption of alcoholic beverages. Symptoms include headache, dry throat and irritability.

My recommended method of mitigating the effects has been honed over several years.

Firstly: Rehydrate. This is best achieved by drinking several pints of water, into which I squeeze a lemon & a few drops of witch-hazel.
Secondly: Boost your blood-sugar. Have a hearty breakfast; I prefer bacon and eggs.
Finally: Expunge the toxins that remain in the body. Any cardio-vascular exercise that creates perspiration would be an option. In the interests of time, however, I prefer to turn my bathroom towel rail to maximum, and then go for a slow satisfying dump.

Thought for the Day with the Rev Richard de Vere

2005-10-31T11:01:00.000Z

Since I became Rector of this modest parish I, like the previous incumbent, have been fortunate enough to marry dozens of couples in the pretty chapel here in the grounds of the Manor.

I do try to give one or two words of advice to the happy couple as they embark on the long journey of marriage together, and I'm often asked, "What is the secret of a lasting, happy union?"

In my opinion, there are few things more likely to cement the bond of marriage than a really great pair of norks.

In fact, that was what initially attracted me to Audrey Forbes-Hamilton all those years ago. When I first saw her in that low-cut evening dress! My word! They were like a pair of bald-headed convicts fighting to get out of jail!

Another Day in Paradise

2005-10-28T08:16:00.000Z

We the middle classes in this country could do so much more to ameliorate the suffering of the homeless on our streets today. Whilst the giving of money is always welcome, quite often a few words, a greeting, or even a conversation with a homeless person shows that we care, and are willing to stand shoulder to shoulder with them, and do something about their wretched situation.

Why only last night, whilst walking from my offices in the City, I had one such conversation. Having spotted a weather-weary individual, I stopped to ask his advice on whether full leather trim & a 4 speaker Bose stereo unit was really necessary on the BMW M3 I had just ordered.

I could tell that he appreciated my gesture by the torrent of expletives that he hurled my way, shortly followed by a half-full Big Mac carton and a can of White Lightning.

Child In Mime

2005-10-28T07:22:00.000Z

This week's mime night was an opportunity for members to bring along their children: no sooner have they learnt to speak than they can be learning not too speak. For the occasion the evening had a humorous bent.

The star of the show was Terry Pulver who peeled a banana, threw away the skin, then, in a masterpiece of slapstick, slipped on it. The gusto with which the youngsters practised the pratfall must guarantee more than a few sore coccyges around town today.

Unfortunately with mime everything is imaginary except the pain.

Vermin: A Dirty Rat

2005-10-27T12:53:00.000Z

I thought I'd let you know that, although I am not aware of it, I am at this moment no more than 10 feet away from a rat.

I have just had this confirmed by Dr. Frederick Schlongberger, Senior Professor of Verminology at Imperial College.

Just Say 'Yes'

2005-10-27T10:21:00.000Z

Sometimes I like to leave the beemer at home and take public transport to work, it helps me keep my finger on the pulse. And so it was I found myself on the tube this morning. What conclusions did I draw from the commute you may ask, well I couldn't help wondering if that Dan Brown guy is single. I'm joking of course, I'm a happily married man. Two kids.

What I did notice was a smartly dressed woman reading a book called "Getting To Yes", and it struck me as strange that you'd need a whole book to teach you this.

Getting people to say yes it the easiest thing, people are basically predisposed to say 'yes'; your boss, that hot girl at the country club, the buyer from the department store, the barman mixing martinis in the hotel, they are all waiting to say 'yes' to you if you just create the opportunity. Nobody likes confrontation, think how you feel turning down yet another request for a raise, wouldn't you be much happier if you could say 'yes'.

It's little wonder Camus saw saying 'no' as the fundamental act of rebellion - don't worry that's the last time I mention French philosophers. So remember the world is waiting to say 'yes', you just need to make it happen.

A life Without Birds

2005-10-26T12:41:00.000Z

By and large, I couldn't give a sparrow's fart for our feathered friends, but the panic created by the H5N1 bird flu virus has got me thinking. In fact, I've developed a newfound respect for the stick-legged, twittering creatures.

Consider for a moment if the virus had struck much earlier, or worse still, if it had wiped out all birds from the face of our planet:-

Would Treasure Island have been as popular if the first forty pages involved Long John Silver sailing round Portsmouth harbour awaiting news from quarantine on Captain Flint's recovery? I think not.
And what of Alfred Hitchcock? Would 'The Birds' have been such a seminal work if Tippi Hendren was being attacked by a swarm of bluebottles, rather than the Chaffinches in the original production?
And worst of all, would Percy Edwards, the world's foremost bird call impersonator, be the cultural icon he is today without the creatures that made his name? He would have been lost to the world of entertainment forever, condemned instead to pursue a career as a commission-only insurance salesman.

Food for thought indeed !

Thought for the Day with the Rev Richard de Vere

2005-10-26T09:25:00.000Z

I am often asked by my flock; "Your holy gracefulness, why oh why does the Good Lord allow these terrible tragedies to occur, such as earthquakes, hurricanes, and the demise of Cavendish Foods?"

My reply is simple; "Look my child, the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are busy men, preventing disasters left, right and centre. It's entirely understandable that occasionally one or two catastrophes will 'slip through the net', as it were. Why, only this morning the Archbishop of Canterbury telephoned me to say that, thanks to divine intervention, 3 landslides and a Tsunami had been held at bay! Unfortunately, whilst the holy trinity were concentrating their efforts on plate tectonics, they were powerless to prevent Ned running over Marjory Frobisher's pussy. "

The Shite Factor

2005-10-25T07:49:00.000Z

Viscount Tosspot (formerly Lord Bowers of Lakeside), in association with Kuntz Records, would like to invite young music enthusiasts to rehearsals for the boy band creation of 2005: Manfresh.

If the answer to the following questions is an unequivocal yes, then your destiny awaits:-

1. Have you ever heard of Brother Beyond?
2. If so, do you look a bit like Nathan from Brother Beyond?
3. Have you recently failed an audition to get into a 3rd rate drama school?
4. Can you dance in the style of a thrashing mackerel?
5. Is having one pop hit on the back of massive TV publicity followed by immediate descent into obscurity your idea of a successful career?
6. Could you keep up a pretence of heterosexuality, only to reveal your real inclinations when your career is over?

** Winners of the Leeds International Pianoforte are excluded from participation

Moral decay

2005-10-24T08:21:00.000Z

An e-mail reaches me containing the egregious term 'overexaggerate'. Is hyperbole now so commonplace in our society that plain 'exaggerate' has no currency anymore?

A look back in mime

2005-10-21T10:48:00.000Z

Another very successful Mime Night yesterday. We were lucky enough to have a visit from the Mime Travellers, a mime troupe which specialises in the history of mime. They demonstrated various innovations in mime through the ages; it is hard to believe there was a time when techniques we now take for granted such as the step ladder or the walking downstairs were unknown in the world of mime. The climax of their visit was a re-enactment of the storming of the Bastille using only mime techniques of the period. I think we could all agree that the look on the face of Louis XVI brought home the full horror of the situation in a way no history book could ever achieve.

Two-thirds of Bond: Part 3

2005-10-21T09:19:00.000Z

No post yesterday, due to the fact that I've been laid up sick for the past 36 hours. It seems my hirsute, would-be killers guzzled my provisions prior to their failed attempt on my life; I had to find and forage what I could on this godforsaken plain. Ended up scoffing down as many nuts and berries as I could.

Well those nuts and berries must have been infected with the Russian Pox or something, because I've had a ring-piece like the nozzle of a fire-hose for nigh on two days.

Still, I sought solace in the knowledge that I could still get an internet connection, and at least I'd be able to log on to Boiled Fish and read some amusing anecdotes from my fellow contributors.

Imagine my disappointment to find that not one of the lazy-arsed bastards had bothered to put anything up!

Must stop typing now, I can feel an urgent latrine break coming on......

Two-thirds of Bond: Part 2

2005-10-19T08:11:00.000Z

Firslty, let me thank my old compadre Coldheartedman for posting yesterday's entry. I had to dictate it to him down the phone whilst receiving oral relief from that nympho administrator.

Anyway, after that it was straight on a flight to the location, which is obviously top secret. What I can tell you is that it's a barren, mountainous hell-hole: I'm writing this with a satellite link-up in a bivouwac somewhere in the foothills.

Practically as soon as they dropped me in it was trouble; the swine must have been expecting me. I was blindfolded, disarmed and cast into some sort of foul pit. The blindfold was then ripped off me and my assailants were revealed. I could scarcely believe my eyes. There before me were two fully-grown mountain yeti, glowering at me with murderous intent. So the local warlords are using trained yeti now, I mused, before springing into action.

I'll spare you the details of how I managed, unarmed, to despatch both beasts and make good my escape. I will say this, though: it's surprising how easy it is to slay a pair of apoplectic yeti using hand to hand combat, if you know the right techniques.

Afterwards I had to bury the hairy bastards' corpses. the last thing I needed was a couple of wandering tree-huggers to find the bodies, and reveal to the world that the supposedly mythical beast actually exists. I mean, if they discovered it was me who killed them, they might key my Aston. If they can find it that is. I was so pissed last time I drove it I'm damned if I can remember where I parked it.

More tomorrow. Adieu.

Two-thirds of Bond

2005-10-18T09:33:00.000Z

Got a rude awakening this morning when the red phone rang at 5 o'clock. It was "N": A summons to Vauxhall Cross - got there at 5:55. Had to service that bitch secretary of his as usual.

Needless to say, I can't divulge any details of my mission; suffice it to say that my normal level of contempt for "N" was amplified by two factors.

1. The fact that the old prick had got me out of bed
2. .....this part is tip-top secret................................................................

Have you got the mime?

2005-10-14T08:24:00.000Z

The first mime class was a roaring success (a silent roar of course). The beginner activities focused on basic human feelings such as 'being hungry', 'being tired' and 'having a bright idea'. We did have one scare when an over-enthusiastic student became trapped in an invisible box and was unable to find the door through which he could escape. Luckily one of our experienced teachers was able to free him, prompting much wiping of foreheads and shaking of sweat from the hands. Next week's activities will revolve around squeezing through a tight space. To avoid future disappointment please note that the herbal tea is not real but is in fact invisible mime tea.

Mime Nite

2005-10-12T13:19:00.000Z

Hamenkaas has asked me to announce that he will be hosting a free contemporary mime class this Thursday.

Herbal tea and wholegrain nibbles will be provided and there will be a special performance piece by his fledgling mime troupe, The Faaking Idiots.

All those interested, post a comment here.

Decline and Fall

2005-10-12T09:29:00.000Z

ColdHeartedMan, is that a barbarous solecism you have committed in your use of 'revert' as a synonym for 'respond'?

Prognostication

2005-10-11T21:48:00.000Z

Coldheartedman, tell me could this be Jimmy's year?

McEwan's Export Terror Threat

2005-10-10T16:12:00.000Z

I recently wrote to one of Britain's foremost security experts (Dave) in order to allay my worry that British passenger locomotives might be a possible threat to the US in view of the recent security fears in New York City. This is his response:

Dear Coldheartedman,

I have done some preliminary calculations on the speed required for a derailed Great North Eastern express train travelling from King's Cross to Berwick to hit the Empire State Building. Allowing for the friction created when moving off the track in the Newark area, the speed required to travel the 3285 miles is 3.285 * 10^7 metres per second.

These figures, I'm sure you'll agree, are beyond GNER, or indeed any of the de-regulated train operators.

Yours

Dave

This didn't satisfy me altogether though, so I was compelled to carry out my own research and respond to Dave thus:

Dear Dave,

I'm sure that you won't be offended that I have sought scientific verification of your preliminary calcs, which I felt was worth undertaking as a precautionary measure.

My friends at Deptford Adult Education Centre have put me in touch with one of their senior students, Doris Gimp, an out of work shelf-stacking operative who is doing a foundation course in physics with a view to taking her GCSE in 2008. DAEC have a full range of Acorn Electron computers which they took delivery of in 1982, and Ms. Gimp has run the figures through one of the machines.

Her findings reveal that in general the figures for the required speeds are accurate, but Doris tells me that you have clearly made several key assumptions which she's not entirely happy with:

1. The train is fully laden at the point of departure at Newark, including a fully stocked buffet car. Doris feels it is likely that at least 24 cans of McEwans Export would have been purchased by that point in the journey, with most of the contents dispersed onto the track somewhere between Stevenage and Peterborough. This would reduce the required velocity at departure by 0.000002m/s.

2. Industrial action at Doncaster has been called off following the successful resolution of a dispute between the RMT and GNER over the quality of pork pies post-privatisation. Ms. Gimp thinks it is probable that strike action will drag on for at least another year, with consequential disruption to signalling as RMT members continue to take direct action in Melton Mowbray.

3. The hijackers manage to keep a tight grip on the "Dead Man's Handle" at the crucial point of entry to the Atlantic. Doris considers that this would be extremely difficult to achieve, particuarly as there is a strong risk of the train being diverted onto the giant rollercoaster as it passes Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

Your faithfull servant,

Coldheartedman

More Expatriate Life With Bruce Twatte

2005-10-10T12:25:00.000Z

click image to enlarge

Expatriate Life With Bruce Twatte

2005-10-10T11:26:00.000Z

click image to enlarge

Big Dave's Sitcom Masterclass

2005-09-30T13:15:00.000Z

Big Dave says:
Hey, I've got a couple of superb ideas for a sitcom! Here's the first.
Big Dave says:
Basically, there are a group of young twenty something city gents out for drinks, one of them, a good looking chap is notoriously unlucky with the ladies, very nervous in his demeanour. Anyway, he always nips to the toilet to psyche himself up into chatting up a good looking girl he has seen. The camera pans to him rehearsing some really interesting and amusing chat up lines..... and the joke is, wait for it........
.......wearing a light coloured suit, he always comes out with a wet penny, with hilarious results (decoys etc)
CHM says: Hmmmmmmmmm.
Big Dave says:
Right here's the second. Dating agency. we have 4 main characters, a married couple who own the agency, a man who is a client, and a woman, who is a client - lots of scope for characterisation and creating empathy
Big Dave says:
well, what do you think?
CHM says:
Maybe as a one off, but a whole series.........................
Big Dave says:
Yes! You track the unfortunates as they go from one failed romance to another
CHM says:
Sounds depressing
Big Dave says:
Loads of scope for hilarious comic situations; I've just thought of one idea for it!
Big Dave says:
Nigel is on his first date,
Big Dave says:
they are at the restaurant, and he excuses himself to go to the loo
Big Dave says:
the gents is out of order, so being desperate, he nips into the ladies.
Big Dave says:
Whilst washing his hands, he realizes he has a wet penny,
Big Dave says:
so he removes his trousers, and starts to dry the offending area under the automatic drier,
Big Dave says:
at this point, his date steps into the toilet to powder her nose!
CHM says:
Dave, does your entire comic oeuvre revolve around the wet penny gag?
Big Dave says:
yes

"Big" John

2005-09-30T10:24:00.000Z

So-called "Big" John has the following concerns:

The fact that Coldheartedman grants both his interlocutors the epithet 'Big' lends the enterprise an air of homoerotic bonhomie I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with.
I also reckon the world of blogging has more of a hold on you than you care to admit.

I am prepared to admit that I had to look up interlocutors in the dictionary, and the definition does seem to lend weight to his argument:

The performer in a minstrel show who is placed midway between the end men and engages in banter with them.

The Lovecraft of Sven Goran Eriksson

2005-09-29T15:19:00.000Z

Big Dave says:
Coldheartedman, when we read that Sven is a considerate lover, are we to assume from that that he has a particular affiliation with the lone-boatman?
CHM says:
Affiliation? Well, certainly a working knowledge, by all accounts
CHM says:
I'm not surprised Faria Alam spurned the (alleged) advances of David Davies. He looks to be a very traditional British type, i.e. no knowledge of the lone-boatman. He may never even have heard of it.

Ted Heath: A Potted Biography

2005-09-29T14:48:00.000Z

Big Dave says:
did you see the programme on Ted Heath last night?
CHM says:
no
Big Dave says:
I have seen it before, but was very good
CHM says:
a man from a modest background........
CHM says:
...who rose to become Prime Minister..........
Big Dave says:
Frankie goes to Hollywood?
CHM says:
what!??!
Big Dave says:
they had a line in a song; something similar, about rising to become president......from a humble background
CHM says:
I know they tried a few different guitarists after "Nasher" left in '86, but I had no idea Ted Heath was one of them....
Big Dave says:
hang on, let me search google
CHM says:
he was more a keyboards man......
Big Dave says:
i give up. It was definitely a lyric though
CHM says:
I thought you were searching to find out whether the erstwhile premier had indeed sat in on a few FGTH sessions...
Big Dave says:
well, he was an accomplished musician after all..
CHM says:
perhaps a bit overqualified
Big Dave says:
his sexual persuasion would have made him an ideal candidate as well
CHM says:
are you saying Heath was a whoopsie?
Big Dave says:
that was always the assumption, if perhaps a little unfair....
CHM says:
really?
CHM says:
did he never marry??
Big Dave says:
he never married
CHM says:
perhaps that's why the homophobe Thatcher hated him so much
Big Dave says:
..and I can confirm that he had an unusually close relationship with his mother
CHM says:
What about the other sub-test?
Big Dave says:
You mean, Does he like Kylie Minogue?
CHM says:
Yeah, that's it
Big Dave says:
I know the answer to that one:
Just after the interviewer had asked him about De Gaulle's veto on the UK entering the Common Market, he then asked him what was his favourite Kylie song.........
Big Dave says:
........and he said he loved the "Locomotion"
CHM says:
Well that's it then. QED: a raving poofter!
Big Dave says:
check

We're Just Jealous of Dermot O'Leary Because Women Like Him

2005-09-29T13:20:00.000Z

Big Dave says:
Can I forward your name to the producer of a new ITV programme 'Fathers from Hell', narrated by Alistair Stewart?
CHM says:
yes, on the condition that I am allowed to punch Alistair Stewart and kick Trevor McDonald up the arse
Big Dave says:
i hate sir trevor
CHM says:
makes Dermot Murnaghan look highbrow
CHM says:
shall I tell you my all time least favourite TV presenter?
Big Dave says:
let me guess
Big Dave says:
does he have glasses?
CHM says:
no
Big Dave says:
Oh, i immediately thought of denis norden
Big Dave says:
ok, did he operate in the game show genre?
CHM says:
no
Big Dave says:
news?
CHM says:
no
Big Dave says:
current affairs?
CHM says:
Dave, you're a million miles away
Big Dave says:
light entertainment?
CHM says:
yes
Big Dave says:
british?
CHM says:
yes
Big Dave says:
ITV ?
CHM says:
Channel 4
Big Dave says:
had a show in the last 2 years?
CHM says:
yes
Big Dave says:
gay?
CHM says:
no
CHM says:
not publicly anyway
Big Dave says:
ginger haired?
CHM says:
not really
Big Dave says:
hmmmmmmm
Big Dave says:
adult orientated?
CHM says:
young adults
CHM says:
very much pitched at the 18-34 market
CHM says:
which is an insult
Big Dave says:
and not a comedian?
CHM says:
far from it
CHM says:
thinks he's funny
CHM says:
give up?
Big Dave says:
give me the initials
CHM says:
D.O.
Big Dave says:
dermot o'leary ?
CHM says:
correct
Big Dave says:
fecking asshole
CHM says:
check
Big Dave says:
check
Big Dave says:
women love him
CHM says:
I know
CHM says:
he's a fucking halfwit
Big Dave says:
say what you see

Big John's Humorous Australian

2005-09-29T13:11:00.000Z

He was a stocky little Aussie of Sicilian descent, kind of hobbit like. He was also the most blissfully ignorant, and ignorant of his ignorance, person I have ever met. He would gamely offer his frankly worthless opinion on any subject you cared to mention. He played table tennis which seems to be second only to mime in engendering ridicule (nothing to be scared of, obviously) and got irate at daily questions about "ping pong".

Anyway at the risk of falling foul of the 'you had to be there' trap here are a couple of his greatest hits.

He was studying a bottle of orange juice and trying to pronounce sinaasappel. He asked what that meant and was told it was Dutch for orange. To which he responded 'But it's not an apple!It's not even a pineapple!'

One day he confidently predicted a fine summer for London. When quizzed on his rationale it turned out that he had lived there for two years and the first summer was good, the second bad. He refused to be bowed by a barrage of abuse for suggesting the British weather followed some binary law.

Monkfish

2005-09-28T12:54:00.000Z

Monkfish are generally ambivalent about rock music, unlike Turbot.

Halibut

2005-09-28T12:49:00.000Z

Did you know that 9 out of 10 halibuts preferred Pete Townshend's guitar sound before he switched from Gibsons to those Schecter Telecasters?

Bleak Notes On Blogging

2005-09-27T15:19:00.000Z

CHM: This blogging business does interest me. Thousands of people clearly spend many hours composing stuff that nobody ever reads. And if you read some of the blogs you can understand why.

BIG JOHN: That's exactly it. It was heralded as this great advance in communication where we could bypass traditional media and construct virtual communities. Unfortunately 90% of the content is Amercian school girls telling you about their fluffy kittens. And everybody wants to post but nobody wants to read. Conclusion is that the majority of people have nothing to say and we are better off with traditional media filtering them out.

CHM: And it smacks of loneliness and desperation...................

BIG JOHN: And it was supposed to give us all our unique voice but what it actually proves is that no matter how different you think you are there are countless people out there exactly like you.

CHM: Right, that's it I'm going to kill myself.

BIG JOHN: Me too.

Man boiling fish using basic techniques and rudimentary equipment circa 1992

2005-08-24T11:24:00.000Z